Necrotongue

If someone had told me face-to-face that Matthew Vaughn could make a movie that would disappoint me, I would have laughed them off. Well, not anymore. This movie was bad in so many ways. The script was desperately weak, and I can't fathom why Vaughn got involved. Sure, I can see the financial appeal, but did he really think it was worth it? Apparently, he did. Initially, it felt like a rip-off of The Man from Acapulco, and I definitely enjoyed the French version more. As the story unfolded, it took a different direction, which could have been fine if I had actually enjoyed the movie. But between the digital overload and the mostly unconvincing performances (except for Sam Rockwell, who couldn’t save it alone), I just couldn't find the fun. This movie just didn’t work for me. / Lesson learned: If you want to become a secret agent, train a cat.

The French filmmakers' approach to the second part of their story noticeably lagged behind the first installment but still felt like the best adaptation of Dumas's often nonsensical inventions. It seems one of the creators actually did some research on French history in addition to following the book, because Cardinal Richelieu didn't come across as a bloodthirsty power-hungry beast. I'm not saying that creative license wasn't involved, but that was okay since it wasn't a historical documentary. But... King Louis XIII's African godchild was really too much for me. The current politically correct propaganda increasingly reminds me of a totalitarian regime where you are told what to think because the party and the government hammer it into your head. / Lesson learned: You'd never believe how much action and dialogue someone with a broken back can pull off. 4*-

I already liked Jun'ichi Okada in Hell Dogs, so I was curious to see if I’d have just as much fun this time. I didn't. Well, I did, but not as much. I haven't seen the Korean original, so I can't compare, but I think the Japanese did a pretty decent job with the theme. After the first ten minutes, Yuji Kudo's day can basically be summed up by this joke: / A man is walking along the riverbank when he comes across a ten-year-old girl crying. "What happened, why are you crying?" he asks. "Both my parents drowned in the river just now," the girl sobs. "Girl, let me tell you, you're having a bad day," says the man, unzipping his pants. / If it wasn't clear from what I've written so far, Detective Kudo is like that unfortunate little girl in this scenario. Despite the grim premise, this thriller made me smile several times because it occasionally blurred the line between thriller and comedy, and in this case, I don't consider that a creative flaw. On the other hand, the Terminator-esque sequence in the last twenty minutes definitely was a creative misstep. If it weren’t for that, I would have given it four stars. / Lesson learned: If you're having a bad day, it's better to stay at home. 3*+

This movie was right up my alley. The filmmakers really pulled out all the stops and made a film zipped by like blood on an autopsy table, the story made sense, the plot was just right, the cast was solid, and I got a kick out of watching Linda's transformation. And those morgue details? Morbidly fascinating. I rarely enjoy a German thriller, but this one had me hooked. Sure, there were a few hiccups along the way, like the annoyingly clichéd finale or the landlines not working except for the one in the morgue, but I'm giving it a solid four stars. / Lesson learned: With the right motivation, you can achieve almost anything.

My recent dive into Asian cinema has been quite the journey, prompting me to wonder, "Where will it end?" It's hard to say, especially when gems like Kim's film catch my eye and keep me thoroughly entertained. Why rush back to the familiar territory of European or American cinema filled with political correctness? The Koreans here played with my expectations, and I fell for their tricks hook, line, and sinker. Initially, I was grumbling about the apparent lameness of a Korean take on Face/Off after twenty-six years, but the creators swiftly proved me wrong, humbling my overconfidence and leaving me pondering the value of humility. However, let's not overlook the fact that the script stumbled over its own rules at times. Despite this flaw, it was an entertaining (albeit far-fetched) piece that kept me engaged throughout. None of the Korean actors overacted wildly, making for a comfortably enjoyable experience. / Lesson learned: Where physical force fails, chemistry takes over. 4*-

Netflix's latest surprise left me with mixed feelings. It's evident now that fairy tales can't be approached the same way as in the old days when the world was binary and only men toted swords and wore armor. Nope, in today's progressive era, every princess is expected to save herself, even if the way she holds an axe makes it obvious that she wouldn't survive the winter. I kinda hoped our main heroine would develop a thing for the muscular blacksmith's daughter, but no such luck. The CGI was hit or miss, the psychopathic mother felt more like a manticore, and the plot didn't keep me hooked. It was just another tale of Girl Power, with occasional moments of interest but mostly a bit dull, sometimes unintentionally funny (that burnt dragon!), and not as fun as I'd hoped. The logic holes were monstrous at times; I couldn't wrap my head around how the abyss didn't spell doom for anyone. Plus, the lead actress didn't exactly light up the screen, so the slow striptease didn't do much for me. But hey, it could've been worse, like in The Princess. / Lesson learned: If you're stuck in a dark cave, keep an eye out for multipurpose worms.

I approached this movie with a hint of skepticism but those worries quickly dissipated. The storyline didn't exactly break new ground, but it wasn't half bad. If you're familiar with your fair share of mafia movies, whether they're from the West or the East, you pretty much know what to expect here. I braced myself for potential over-the-top performances and exaggerated emotions, but thankfully, that wasn't the case. Instead, I found myself diving into the gritty world of Japanese organized crime, where the police pretended not to be in the yakuza's grip, and the yakuza pretended not to be secret agents. Trust me, it all came together on the screen. What really impressed me, though, were the performances. Most of the cast delivered solid portrayals, with the dynamic duo stealing the show. While the film wasn't exactly fast-paced, it still managed to maintain a steady momentum, keeping me engaged with well-executed action sequences and just the right amount of tension. The atmosphere was on point too, adding an extra layer of immersion to the experience. / Lesson learned: A Japanese party with people singing The Internationale was a first for me.

Detroit's urban decay alone is haunting enough without the need for boogiemen, monsters, or mutants to spice things up. Yet, that's exactly where this film takes us. Surprisingly, it's not about the inhabitants of the city, human or otherwise, but rather centers around a single house. In that regard, the movie had promise, weaving together three distinct storylines. However, the monster itself was pretty underwhelming. It's the kind of thing that might leave the average American reaching for the ammonia, but for me, it just felt like a letdown. I couldn't help but think, "Really?" I was disappointed that the three narratives didn't intertwine in a more inventive manner. There was potential here, but it felt like the creators took the easy route. And as we all know, the path of least resistance seldom leads to greatness. It's a shame because this film had all the makings of thriller with potential. But when Justin Long popped up on screen, I had a sinking feeling. You know the drill - Jeepers Creepers, Tusk... / Lesson learned: Unpleasant places might seem cozier in the dark. 3*+

Upon reading the official synopsis, I was bracing myself for a romantic drama, especially considering the listed genre. However, it seems my assumptions were more aligned with Western storytelling conventions. Korean cinema had a surprise in store for me. While romance did have its place in the narrative, it was approached in a refreshingly different manner. The blend of genres worked wonders, and despite my initial reservations, I found myself thoroughly engaged throughout. Hoon-jung Park crafted a film that seamlessly alternated between peaceful drama and heart-pounding action, punctuated by moments of exploration into the human psyche and visceral scenes of bloodshed. It was an exhilarating ride from start to finish, leaving me thoroughly entertained. / Lesson learned: Killing out of necessity looks completely different than when someone really enjoys it.

There's something about violent teenage girls that intrigues me in a twisted sort of way. Call it a bizarre fascination or perhaps my next guilty pleasure. If I'm to be punished for it, consider it done. I sat through this Japanese film, enduring the onslaught of action scenes that seemed to drown out any semblance of a coherent storyline. Hits, kicks, hacks, cuts, stabs, shots – you name it, they threw it in there. It was action for the sake of action, a mindless barrage that left me desperately craving substance. Yet, I soldiered on, determined to see it through to the end credits if only to prove my own resilience. The movie was a train wreck in every sense of the word (well, okay, the visuals and sound were passable). The Japanese cast seemed to be veering between exaggerated performances and attempts at humor that fell flat. It was nonsense of the highest order. / Lesson learned: When in danger, don't forget to move around a lot.